Thursday, September 25, 2014

Behind The Smile

All I hear all the time is how 'blogger's lives seem so perfect' and I've actually sometimes thought to myself, 'I don't think I will ever be a proper blogger because my life isn't perfect' but in reality I don't think anyone has the perfect life, you never REALLY know what's going on it someone's life. Most bloggers and youtubers only let you into the good side and that's what I do too. I've been wanting to write a personal post for a while now, not for attention or sympathy, but just because I find it very therapeutic to just write about your feelings sometimes.

 The first secret I'll share with you all, is that my "real" Dad was actually not a very nice person. He was abusive to myself and my mum until he left when I was 13. I've always kept that a secret, but after seeing Pixiwoo's recent video I thought, you know what? It's okay to be honest sometimes. I don't think I'll go too much into it now, but if you want to know more, definitely go and watch the video. I related to it so much! My Grandad was the man I looked up to as a father figure and he was even going to be the one to walk me down the aisle when I get married. As most of you already know,  sadly he passed away in May and I kind of wanted to write a post about what it's really like to loose someone close.

On the 27th May I went to see my Grandad at the Hospital, just as normal, but when I got there I was just told he was 'gone' and I completely went into denial. It was like a moment in all those movies where everything is in slow motion and then I had a panic attack. If you suffer from panic attacks, you'll know how horrible it is to have one in public. I didn't know what to do next, as he was in Hospital for such a long period of time, my routine was kind of based around seeing him, phoning the hospital every night ect.. The hospital asked us if we wanted to see the body, I didn't, but I know I would never believe he was gone if I didn't, so I did. Obviously it was very sad, but as he was still warm, it was just like he was asleep. After that I struggled to sleep at all, every time I closed my eyes all I could see was him lying there.

The next few weeks were just a complete blurr, I was in complete denial, so I didn't cry that much to be honest. I was asked if I'd like to see him in the Chapel of Rest and I said yes, because I didn't want to feel like I was letting him down. I wrote him a letter with all the things I wished I had of told him and left it with him. I'm not going to lie, it was horrible and I don't feel like I should go into graphic detail of what it was really like, so If you are thinking of going and want to know more, feel free to email me. I couldn't sleep properly for weeks after going to the Chapel of Rest, even when I did take sleeping tablets. His Funeral took weeks to take place because the coroners thought there was something weird surrounding his death, but nothing ever came of it and on June 18th it was his Funeral. It was the first Funeral I'd ever been to and I just found it so weird, I cried alot and had another panic attack.

Just after it had passed the three month mark, I started feeling so low. I resented everyone, blamed everyone. I didn't see how I was ever going to get out of it, but I think the best thing to do is take everyday as it comes. I started reading a book about coping with all of this and it did help, but obviously it won't take the pain away. It's just coming up to four month mark and I'm still so heart broken. I currently still find it hard looking at pictures of him, because I just feel like the whole situation is so surreal, he shouldn't be gone. I have good days and bad days. I don't think there is any special way of moving on, but I think time is a great healer.

If you made it this far, then thank you!

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